True Tale of Unspeakable Horror

...or a real life toilet humor story of survival and the power of friendship.

Life has a funny sense of humor. Oftentimes, humans are put into situations that stretch them to the very limits of their ability. In the not-so-distant past (about a year or so prior to this post), I was put into such a situation...

I work on the second floor of a house turned into the office. We have two rooms up here and a small bathroom with no ventilation. Needless to say, most of us know it's off limits for anything that can be construed as "socially offensive". Unfortunately a few of our employees who work in the community have no such qualms.

One such employee came hurtling up the stairs since the downstairs bathroom was occupied at the time. Like that infamous Jurassic park scene involving the water rippling in the cup, the sounds of her steps pounding up the stairs carried with them ominous portent. I listened in horror as the noises that came out of the tiny bathroom made my stomach turn. It sounded like someone had dumped out a used bucket of mop water into a tub. The female worker (yes, a rather large woman) then emerged, her face glowing in victory. She waved to me and my coworkers across the hall and then stomped back down the stairs.

Then the smell hit.

I threw open my windows and tried sucking fresh air through the screen covering. It wasn't working. I could feel my hairs curling as they tried to twist and turn from the foul entity climbing out of the tiny bathroom. My coworkers across the way thought I was just being funny until they smelled it too. They immediately slammed their door shut and lit several candles, feverishly praying to whatever god was listening. With a small gasp at the oxygen retreating from my window, I stumbled downstairs, eyes watering, looking for anything to combat the smell. Then I found the febreeze-in-a-can.

I went upstairs aerosoling the whole way and screaming, "The power of Christ compels you," while making the sign of the cross in mist particles. I could sense the entity retreating, keening in anguish as it was defeated by pureness in aerosol form: Febreeze.

In the end, we won the battle...but we were changed. Scarred, irrevocably by the horror we had just witnessed.

Every now and then, someone will bring up that horrible day. Those of us who lived through it will glance at each other, a haunted, distant look in our eyes.

The secret of life explained

...or why bacon is the key to all existence.

Honestly, I just wanted to post this image so that's all. I've got two packages of bacon in my apartment. One for eatin' and one spare...for those "just in case" situations: End of the world, robot attacks, Jehovah's Witnesses stopping by, China getting another gold medal, the US getting a gold medal, sudden unexplainable pain that can only be cured by bacon, the need for double bacon action, and/or goldfish dying. The list could go on...

Please click the picture for a larger image, for greater resolution and ease of reading.

Now, I'm ending this rant. Soon to be bacon time...followed by nap time.

Why Robots will never conquer the world...

....Or my latest troubles with wireless networks.

So a couple of days ago, my network went down. No apparent reason why. It just stopped working.

I woke up that morning, checked my email (because I had a few spare moments), got ready for the day and then went to work...all the while unaware that I was about to become a victim. I came home for lunch and tried to get on the internet to check some email...and that's when it hit. Stark white page with some large, bold words written in slightly ominous fashion: "Unable to connect to the server...the URL is not recognized".

"Forsooth!" I exclaimed, "Verily you jest! Why, my computer recognizes a strong connection, and my modem does not blink nor waver!" However, I was baffled and so began the usual routines to reset the internet connection. Unplugging the router, unplugging the modem...waiting the minimum obligatory amount of time...etc.

"Ha Ha! Connected" I cried, in a hopeful, upbeat manner.

Nope....

"What villainy is this! I must speak to a technician!" All that day though, the lines are busy. I call back the following evening, now at 24+ hours sans internet.

Enter helpful foreigner man! In his heavy accent he asks me to do various things that sound slightly pornographic from his inflections. "Unblug de modem and pooosh id bag in avter I tell you to. Nod too soon." For the sake of the younger crowd, I'll leave it at that. Anon, we discover that the modem is operational. "Cawl de manufecksurer ob de rowter."

I get a number and call. After various troubleshooting methods, we finally successful reset the router and get the internet back. Like all ordeals with technology, I had to wait at various times for the technician to get back to me. During one of these periods, my brother made the comment, "And this is why robots will never rule the world." Truer words, my friend, have ne'er been spoken.

If we can't even get too pieces of technology which have limited exposure to human contact to cooperate without error, how can we possibly believe that robots, which would combine both hardware and software and manmade artificial intelligence (AI), could possibly operate without fail long enough to conquer the world. Destroy it? Sure! We can do that without robots, but conquer it? No...

When Microsoft releases its copy of Windows Black Mesa a.k.a "Death to all humans", it will contain enough bugs that the robots will not be able to function without crashing, until, that is, the release of Service Pack 2.0. And after that, it will still need to download a few drivers for the MegaDeathRay 2.13 with nanotech deathbot support.

Maybe we should start harvesting a few of those computer viruses for use against the future attempts by AI to destroy all humans.

Anyways, end of rant time.

Wharrgarbl

....or Do I need to say anything else?



oh! I know, I'll add one of my other favorite pictures.




total pwnage!...


To Pwn: "To own, as in dominate completely."











And for the rest of the "leet/l337" speakers:



That is all....for now.